As we huddle in our homes during this charming pandemic summer, Silicon Valley’s finest have apparently decided that what the world really needs isn’t a vaccine or functioning government - but a way for rich men to never die. Because billionaires clearly don’t have enough advantages already.

Today several biotech companies, fuelled by Silicon Valley fortunes, are devoted to “life extension” — or as some put it, to solving “the problem of death.” ~ The Men Who Want to Live Forever, Dara Horn, New York Times, Jan 2018.

Tech moguls are still pouring millions into “life extension” startups. This while the rest of us are Googling “can you disinfect groceries with vodka” and trying to remember what human touch feels like. Priorities!

So you want to live forever? Let’s think this through

  1. Overpopulation: Now with 100% more you Remember when we all briefly cared about flattening the curve? Good times. Now imagine a world where no one ever dies but we still can’t agree on whether masks work. Eternal life, eternal arguments about herd immunity.
  2. New and exciting diseases We’re currently living through a masterclass in how nature keeps inventing new ways to kill us. COVID-19 might just be the opening act. Wait until we discover Super-MERS or Turbo-Ebola at year 250 of your immortal existence.
  3. Time acceleration syndrome Notice how March lasted approximately 17 years, but June passed in a blink? Now imagine that effect compounded over centuries. Entire decades would disappear into the void of “Wait, didn’t I already watch this show?”
  4. The wealth gap becomes a wealth canyon As we speak, billionaires are adding millions to their net worth while the rest of us debate whether unemployment benefits should cover avocado toast. Now make that wealth gap permanent. Jeff Bezos’ 200th birthday party would be on Mars while you’re still trying to pay off your student loans.
  5. The Meaning of Life becomes “Nothing, Really” Remember when baking banana bread gave your life purpose? Now imagine doing that for eternity. You’d eventually start wars just to feel something. Anything.
  6. Career becomes a life sentence Working from home in sweatpants seemed novel in April. Try doing your job forever. The phrase “quiet quitting” would take on horrifying new meaning when you realise you’re literally never retiring.
  7. Cultural stagnation We’re currently stuck in an endless loop of 90s nostalgia and superhero movies. Now imagine that - but forever. Your great-great-great-grandchildren would still be arguing about whether the Friends reunion was any good.
  8. Violence as performance art Remember the toilet paper wars of March? Multiply that by infinity. The Immortal Boredom Riots of 2150 would make the Hunger Games look like a tea party.

The bitter pill

In a year where we can’t even agree on basic science or human decency, the idea that we’re ready for immortality is laughable. The same people who can’t be bothered to wear a mask in Publix want to live forever? Please.

The truth is, mortality is nature’s way of saying “alright, next!” And frankly, that doesn’t sound so bad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my hands for the 47th time today.

So, would you like to live forever? …Didn’t think so.